Archive for February, 2008

#3 Community Service Barbie

barbie1.jpgWhy do time for “The Man” when you can do time for your fellow man?

Thanks to a minor run-in with the law (suffice it to say it involves a busload of orphans no longer in need of homes) and a major coup for celebrity-judicial relationships, Barbie is now making the most of her 1100 mandated hours with the “Barbie Inner City Community Center Playset.”

Let the healing–and the fun–begin as Barbie greets her hard-luck charges with such insightful, invaluable remarks as “Eww, what’s that smell?” “You would look so much prettier if you straightened your hair,” “Don’t go into hiding. Just take him for everything in the divorce,” “Um, my agent specifically stated there would be no touching” and, of course, “You want a new life? Then let me just say three little words—’Elizabeth Arden facial.'”


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#2 Jack-in-the-Skinner-Box

jackinbox1.jpgYes, there’s nothing more surprising and satisfying than a clown popping out of a small box. But only the most ADD-addled child will still be startled by the third or fourth turn of the crank.

Thanks to the Jack-in-the Skinner-Box, however, every time is sure to be a new experience. The fun begins the moment you close the lid. That’s because inside we’ve installed new behavioral psychology technology that allows us to conduct numerous environmental conditioning experiments. One time Jack will be repeatedly shocked with electrodes. Another time his floor may instantly heat up. Maybe screaming voices will constantly belittle him or rats will come pouring into his container.

Whatever the action the reaction is sure to be priceless as Jack comes shooting out of his box, shaking violently, referring to himself as “Other Jack,” speaking in a language all his own making or simply pleading, “For the love of God, kill me!”

You never know what you’ll get with the one toy that’s bound to be as startled as you are.

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#1 Irish Rock’em Sock’em Robots

irishrockem3.jpgWatch the Guinness and blood flow in equal measure as these two glazed-eyed Gaelics fight each other in the name of…well, okay, that part remains a little fuzzy.
We’ve replaced the typical boxing arena with a cozy pub (your choice of “The Lacerated Lamb” or “The Immolated Terrier”) and exchanged the red and blue robots for the all-too-colorful Seamus and Other Seamus.
To start, simply select one of the three following rummy remarks: “More men have been inside your mum than in Trinity College,” “I wanted a go at your sister but Maureen Siobhan Mackenzie doubled her rates” or “It’s five o’clock! Who wants some?!” Then sit back and enjoy as the soused Seamuses go at it with the ferocity of a heavyweight fighter and the accuracy of a blind, palsy archer. After several minutes of mercilessly and mistakenly pummeling walls, stools, soccer memorabilia and a wholly startled Father Seamus O’Reilly, the Celtic cutups will break into tears, embrace, cry out “Jesus, what are we fighting for?!” and order a round of drinks for the house, all while singing that beloved Irish ballad, “Christ, I’m So Hungry I Could Eat My Own Feet But Then I Couldn’t Outrun The Rats.”
Also Available: Italian Double Trouble, complete with one unlicensed Berreta and an extra-long mailbag for “storage.”

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