#9 9/11 Jenga

Remember the innocent joy of watching one move transform a tall, rectangular structure into a heap of bricks?

Well, no more! That’s because the new 9/11 Jenga is as strong as our nation’s freedom and as resilient as America itself. First each wooden brick is hot-glued to one another. Then the entire tower is encased in form-fitting Lucite, permanently affixed to your kitchen table with a steel spike and patrolled by a phalanx of 4,000 army figurines, model helicopters and Estes rocket launchers, all under the watchful eye of 600 cameras posted around your house without your permission or prior knowledge. The result is a childhood classic you and your family can once again safely enjoy if not approach or touch.

Estimated completion date: 2049.

#8 The Hardy Men Mystery Novels

We all grew up with the Hardy Boys. Isn’t it time they grew up with us? Now comes a new series of books written specifically for an older—if not particularly wiser—generation. Each edition in the new Hardy Men Mystery Novels library details the exciting adventures of our now middle-aged but still intrepid heroes, including:

The Hardy Men and the Case of What’s-His-Face, Y’know, That Guy…I Think It Begins with an M: Yep, Frank and Joe are off on their latest escapade, only to suddenly forget who they were pursuing. Frank is certain he wrote it on the back of his shopping list while Joe yells at his kids to keep quiet for just one goddamn minute so he can think straight. Eventually the two go back to the couch and watch SportsCenter.

The Hardy Men and the Missed Financial Opportunity That Really Could Have Gotten Them Back on Their Feet: Recently downsized from their jobs and trying to make ends meet, Frank and Joe are let in on a sure-fire investment by Chet, only to be held back by a now complete lack of self-confidence. The two then spend the next several months dreaming about how they could have flaunted their wealth in front of their so-called friends.

The Hardy Men and the Case of Those Thieving Bastards Down at the Car Dealership: When Frank and Joe go to lease some previously owned SUVs, little do they know that they’ll be the ones taken for a ride. But six hours and seven charges for “undercoating” later, the brothers feel horribly violated and not all too certain about how their wives will react to matching Serbian-manufactured Yugos.

The Hardy Men Inadvertently Kill Most of Their Day at Home Depot Buying the Wrong Drill Bit before Going to Brewster’s Pub to Watch Their Local Team Not Win Enough to Cover the Spread and Hear that Hot New Piece of Ass behind the Bar Call Them “Old Timers” and then Driving Home to Each Find Their Home’s Foundation Cracking, Their Boiler Dying and Their Youngest Son Being Encouraged to Consider Only Trade Schools or Food Service Training Programs at the Tender Age of Five: Frank and Joe go back to Brewster’s and drink themselves blind.

The Hardy Men Grow Eerily Silent While Flipping through Their High School Yearbook:  While looking for the DVD manual to see how to remove a Dragon Ball Z figure out of the disc tray, Frank stumbles across his old high school yearbook. The brothers then spend the next three hours in quiet reflection, reliving long-forgotten accomplishments, recalling all-too-fleeting glory and imagining having sex with every single girl in their 12th grade class.

So whether you want to relive a childhood classic or just have something to hide your face behind while your kids scream at each other at the dinner table, The Hardy Men Mystery Novels will let you experience true adventure without the usual shortness of breath and aching joints that now seem to accompany everything you do.

#7 Bob the Contract Builder

When you first open the hastily assembled, inexplicably untreated and three-times-the- initial-cost-estimate box for Bob the Contract Builder you’ll make a startling discovery–Bob’s not in there.

But just wait a few days or seasons and the uninsured and unlicensed Bob is certain to arrive at your doorstep, neither contrite nor sober. Then it’s time for another’s day work that may or may not occur at your house but will almost certainly appear on your bill.

One of this year’s hardest to find toys (despite an oral contract), Bob the Contract Builder comes fully loaded and surly to boot, featuring three out-of-service phone numbers, no physical business address, several incorrectly-sized planks of the wrong lumber, sheetrock instead of copper pipes, a rambling rant against Mexicans and his last wife and $10,000 of your money.

#6 My Drinking Buddy

Your favorite childhood chum has gone from PlaySkool to the bar stool and is ready to teach you everything he knows, from saving cash by bringing a rum flask to pubs and just buying Diet Coke to making money by doing anything–and we mean anything–for a dollar.

So why drink alone when this rummy raconteur will go wherever you go…so long as you’re buying. Just get him a double, pull his string and hear him spout such insightful, occasionally incomprehensible witticisms as “The bitch left me” “What kind of man drinks hard lemonade? A wo-man!” “I said, play some fuckin’ Merle Haggard!” and “Oh Christ, I can’t go to jail again.”

Also available: My Pot Pal, featuring such memorable mumblings as “Is it Tuesday?” “Are those Funyuns?” and “Am I still working at Mellow Mushroom?”

#5 Black Market Operation

It takes a steady hand–and a Styrofoam cooler–to win in this big money makeover of a family favorite.

We’ve taken that beloved bulbous-proboscis patient, drugged him into a near-coma and dumped his inert body in a tub full of ice in a condemned tenement building. Now all you have to do is make your incision and take your slice of the huge cash payoffs. So what will it be? Heart? Kidney? Stem cell?

Whether a sultan needs a fifth liver or you need a quick and dirty way to pay off Sally Mae, this cut-up classic is sure to leave your whole household in stitches.

#4 Care-For-Me Bears

These cuddly cubs will immediately grab your heart…and never, ever let go.

Have fun with your extremely huggable playmates as they repeatedly call your cell phone for reassurance or reconnaissance, make numerous yet vague allusions to migraines, the flu or lupus and pepper their conversations with such sweet nothings as “I can’t handle this,” “If you really love me,” “Last night I dreamed you cheated on me…how could you?”  and “If I didn’t have you I…I just don’t know what I’d do…”

Before you know it these beseeching bears will have systematically alienated both your friends and family until it’s just the two of you alone, sitting on the couch, staring at the next 40 years while waiting for the sweet release of death.

#3 Community Service Barbie

Why do time for “The Man” when you can do time for your fellow man?

Thanks to a minor run-in with the law (suffice it to say it involves a busload of orphans no longer in need of homes) and a major coup for celebrity-judicial relationships, Barbie is now making the most of her 1100 mandated hours with the “Barbie Inner City Community Center Playset.”

Let the healing–and the fun–begin as Barbie greets her hard-luck charges with such insightful, invaluable remarks as “Eww, what’s that smell?” “You would look so much prettier if you straightened your hair,” “Don’t go into hiding. Just take him for everything in the divorce,” “Um, my agent specifically stated there would be no touching” and, of course, “You want a new life? Then let me just say three little words—’Elizabeth Arden facial.’”

#2 Jack-in-the-Skinner-Box

Yes, there’s nothing more surprising and satisfying than a clown popping out of a small box. But only the most ADD-addled child will still be startled by the third or fourth turn of the crank.

Thanks to the Jack-in-the Skinner-Box, however, every time is sure to be a new experience. The fun begins the moment you close the lid. That’s because inside we’ve installed new behavioral psychology technology that allows us to conduct numerous environmental conditioning experiments. One time Jack will be repeatedly shocked with electrodes. Another time his floor may instantly heat up. Maybe screaming voices will constantly belittle him or rats will come pouring into his container.

Whatever the action the reaction is sure to be priceless as Jack comes shooting out of his box, shaking violently, referring to himself as “Other Jack,” speaking in a language all his own making or simply pleading, “For the love of God, kill me!”

You never know what you’ll get with the one toy that’s bound to be as startled as you are.

#1 Irish Rock’em Sock’em Robots

Watch the Guinness and blood flow in equal measure as these two glazed-eyed Gaelics fight each other in the name of…well, okay, that part remains a little fuzzy.

 

We’ve replaced the typical boxing arena with a cozy pub (your choice of “The Lacerated Lamb” or “The Immolated Terrier”) and exchanged the red and blue robots for the all-too-colorful Seamus and Other Seamus.

 

To start, simply select one of the three following rummy remarks: “More men have been inside your mum than in Trinity College,” “I wanted a go at your sister but Maureen Siobhan Mackenzie doubled her rates” or “It’s five o’clock! Who wants some?!” Then sit back and enjoy as the soused Seamuses go at it with the ferocity of a heavyweight fighter and the accuracy of a blind, palsy archer. After several minutes of mercilessly and mistakenly pummeling walls, stools, soccer memorabilia and a wholly startled Father Seamus O’Reilly, the Celtic cutups will break into tears, embrace, cry out “Jesus, what are we fighting for?!” and order a round of drinks for the house, all while singing that beloved Irish ballad, “Christ, I’m So Hungry I Could Eat My Own Feet But Then I Couldn’t Outrun The Rats.”

 

Also Available: Italian Double Trouble, complete with one unlicensed Berreta and an extra-long mailbag for “storage.”